At the end of 2016, I was so excited for the new year to begin. I had high hopes, like most people, and I just knew that 2017 was going to be my year. I had all of these big plans and I was so eager to get started that I didn’t even come up with a back up plan in case things didn’t work out.
Near the end of January 2017, I lost my job. I feel like most people would have just found a new job and kept pushing, but it sent me on a rollercoaster of uncontrollable emotions. My amazing new year had just started and I get hit with that! I had previously been struggling with depression and anxiety, so I already felt like the odds were stacked against me, and that was the last straw.
I lost every ounce of motivation that I worked so hard to muster up. I didn’t want to eat, I had trouble sleeping, I was fighting with my loved ones constantly and isolating myself from the outside world. I spent so much time alone with the curtains closed. A dark room to accompany my dark thoughts.
There were moments in which I truly felt that I did not want to be on this Earth anymore. Moments in which I felt worthless and ashamed of myself and my lack of growth.
I’ve dealt with thoughts of suicide before and fortunately for me, my previous therapies have equipped me with the tools to keep those thoughts to a minimum and not turn them into actions.
I spent a lot of my 2017 year feeling guilty for taking so much time to myself. From the outside looking in, it may look like I was just wasting time, and at some points I was. I can admit that, but I was fighting SO HARD every single day. Fighting for my life. I became so mentally exhausted from trying to maintain a somewhat normal lifestyle for the sake of my family and those around me that I had no energy to put into anything else.
I allowed my mental illness to box me up and keep me on a shelf. And on that shelf is where I spent most of my year.
While there were many pitfalls throughout 2017, there were many reasons to be grateful. Through everything, I’ve had my family and the love of my life to support me. I also have my physical health to be thankful for.
Around June, I got the idea to start a blog. I really didn’t know what the hell I was doing (and let’s be real, I still don’t.) I would post random things sporadically, and there was no theme. I didn’t tell anyone that I even had a blog. I sort of just expected the traffic to come LOL.
While I’m really still getting into my groove and finding my purpose, I’m beyond happy that I started this blog. I have somewhere to go when the walls are closing in on me. I’ve met so many people, that have given me feedback and support and made the journey a little bit easier. (Shout out to the Twitter Fam!)
If I had to choose a word to describe the year 2017 it would be… inconsistent.
Just look at the dates of my previous posts and that should give you an idea. Ha!
In all seriousness, I have been inconsistent this year in the various parts of my life. From my blog to my relationship, I’ve allowed gaps of mediocrity to enter my journey to greatness. But that is no more!
It is almost 2018 and it is time to get myself out of this mess I’ve created and stewed in for the past year. I’m so excited to move forward with organization and discipline!
This new year is not only going to bring exciting things for my blog, but for my personal life as well and I cannot wait to share everything with you.
If you’ve had a tough year, I want to congratulate you because you’ve made it through! I know that a new year isn’t going to magically erase all of the pain and hardship, but it is a new opportunity to conquer it. An opportunity to say that you’ve had enough of the negativity and start to make strides towards a brighter future.
I never stick to New Year’s resolutions, but I do have a few goals I want to achieve such as:
- Become more consistent
- Become more sociable
- Work on my organization/planning skills
- Be kinder to myself and others
- Gain weight (because I lost so much this past year)
What are some of your goals for the New Year? I’d love to hear what you’ve got planned so let me know in the comments below!
That just about wraps this one up. 2017 has been such a trial, but it has taught me so much about the woman I’m growing to be.
Thank you so much for reading. And also thank you if you’ve ever read, commented, liked, or shared any of my work so far. It means the world to mean. Wishing you plenty of joy and success in 2018. Let’s kill it this year! Have a fun and safe weekend and I’ll see you in the new year!